Reporting for the Minions of Jempire on Salphira, we present to you in full, the unedited transcript below, which is 100% real and totally not faked or written by the author of this article:
It has been an amazing year in ArcheAge for all of us. We are proud to announce that this Saturday, following a full 48-hour maintenance period in which we prepared for the update, we have somehow successfully managed to ruin our third major update since launch, making us 3 for 3 in botched launches, and giving our team an almost-inexplicable critical failure rate that we can all be proud of:
You thought two days would be enough time. We did, too. But we didn't account for Dave (in accounting) working on Saturday, and nobody could have accounted for Dave's terrible hand-eye coordination, or the hot coffee mug that happened to be totally full.
Sometimes, acts of God are simply uncontrollable.
"God fucking DAMNIT, DAVE!" -Khrolan
As we panicked and attempted to put out the electrical fire billowing black smoke out of the Authentication Server (which we eventually accomplished with more coffee), we knew it was going to be a rough day.
To be entirely honest, we don't actually have a real server to set up for tomorrow. We're just praying that Amazon Prime gets us the placeholder here in time, because if it doesn't, as Khrolan concisely put it: "Fuck, we are so fucking screwed."
Still, if this whole scenario sounds familiar, it shouldn't! This has never happened before, and we couldn't possibly have seen it coming. This certainly didn't happen many months ago when Auroria first launched, and entire guilds were prevented from logging in to get castles, or when we accidentally broke authentication so that anyone who logged out was stuck offline for over a day. Nope. You are forgetting everything. Everything.
Nobody could have predicted this.
Of course, back then, we promised that we had learned from our issues at launch, when queues were over 12 hours and playing ArcheAge meant watching the waiting screen until you finally gave up out of either boredom, frustration, or, god forbid - found yourself disconnected, and had to start all over. We proved to you once that we hadn't learned, and with our 2.0 update, just in case there were any remote scraps of doubt left in your easily manipulated minds, we sure as hell proved it to you again.
We are nothing if not consistant.
That consistancy, we feel, is a great trait to have.
Alright, but real talk: beyond the whole Dave thing, which we take fault for, all the rest of this **** is being ruined by XLGames. You don't even know, guys. You don't even know.
Like, for example, let's say you want to fix guilds so that they can have more than 100 people under level 3. That makes sense, right? Right? That's totally logical based on the reason there's a limit in the first place. Well, apparently, in Korea they have some law that if you get more than 100 people together and they aren't playing Starcraft 2, it's an insurrection or something, because "FUCK NO" was all they wrote in the reply to us. They didn't even bother to punctuate it properly.
A screenshot of our new legacy and evolution server setup.
So please, don't even get us started on how badly XL has screwed us over as a company. We know. Most days we wish we could just develop the game ourselves, and actually do it right, like we do with RIFT. Or maybe even just offer you a fair compensation package without XL Games looking over our shoulders like a silent, asian mafia boss, telling us that in Korea they "do it differently". We call it negotiation, but let's be honest: we get fucked pretty hard in these "negotiations", and by extension, so do all of you, as players.
But we don't want to fuck you anymore.
Wait, that sounds wrong -- you're great. No, no - where are you going? Come back, please. Please stop crying. Listen. LISTEN. You're all so great. We just don't want XL fucking you. That's what we meant to say, okay? It's not you. It's XL. And we all need to stop getting fucked by them. You. Us. Let's stop the copulation wholesale, because we all know it's not consensual.
Actual image of XLGames screwing both players and Trion. Censored to protect the innocent.
That's why we're excited to announce that tomorrow, following our inevitable and completely unforeseen FOURTH major fuck-up in the launch of ArcheAge, which we totally do not see coming at the time of this writing, we are going to be evolving all servers into one in order to give you the best experience possible in this game.
Europeans, Americans, Oceanics (wait, is that even a thing?) -- all of you will play together on a new super-server that we are setting up to ensure that you'll love your time in the land of Erenor. We call it "TRINO 2" and it is, in fact, a five pound potato that we have sitting next to our computers.
Trino 2 running, as intended, at full capacity.
The future is going to be great, oh Heroes of Erenor. First, you must become Heroes of your own Mind - heroes of patience, and forgiveness, because fuck, you all must be saints to have put up with this many screw-ups on such a consistent basis thus far.
Alright, it's getting late and Scapes is here to play some Cards against Humanity with us, and no offense, but you all are nowhere near as fun as playing games with a drunk Scapes.
Well, the servers may be down, but let's at least take a moment to honor the one great thing we've done this year: